


When sweet violets sicken

by lesbiansaaviik (221bentleys)



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Academy Era, Hurt/Comfort, James T. Kirk Has PTSD, M/M, Spock Has PTSD (Star Trek), semi-graphic description of trauma; flashbacks; and alcoholism; implied abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:21:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28901064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/221bentleys/pseuds/lesbiansaaviik
Summary: Academy Era Jim has a flashback, and Spock helps him through it.Title is from Percy Shelley's "Music, when soft voices die" and makes it sound angstier than it is, I promise.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 8
Kudos: 67





	When sweet violets sicken

**Author's Note:**

> Written after I had a very difficult week of flashbacks, and wanted to put my favourite characters through the same thing to feel better.  
> Many thanks to my dear friend @thisandthisandthis for beta reading :)

Bones punched Jim playfully on the arm and waved his hand in front of Jim’s face.

“Hello, anyone there?” he teased. “Speech’s started.” 

Jim had known McCoy for only a few weeks but it felt as though they had known each other forever. He sighed and turned his head back to the tall and stately admiral who was standing in front of them on a podium. She spoke too slowly for him to have any chance of following it, so he resumed looking around the room for something more interesting. A pair of pointy ears caught his eye, and looking down he saw they belonged to a dark haired Vulcan who was listening astutely to the admiral from across the auditorium. He was quite handsome, Jim noticed, and made a mental note to talk to him after the speeches were finished. 

“Jim!” hissed McCoy. “Stop staring at whatever it is you’re staring at and pay some damn attention!” Bones saw Jim’s slight smile and followed his line of sight to the students on the other side of the room. He rolled his eyes. “Thinking about getting that blonde girl’s number, are you?”

Jim grinned. “Try again. Boy sitting next to her.”

“For pete’s sake, Jim, is romance all you think about?” Bones whispered. 

“Not all. I like thinking about sex, too.” That earned him a slap on the arm and a piercing glare that Jim would have wilted under had he not been busy gazing at the Vulcan. At McCoy’s insistence he returned his head to facing resolutely forwards toward the podium. He scanned the long table of high-up Starfleet officials, noting the alien races he knew and those he didn’t, until his eyes rested on a middle aged looking grey haired man with a beard. 

_ Shit. _ He felt every muscle in his body tense before he lost awareness of his surroundings. The last sound he heard was the applause of the students, which morphed into the smashing of glass. Terror coursed through his body, as the memory of his father screaming at him replayed in his mind. The physical details of his father’s hands wildly gesturing in front of Jim’s face, as well as the smell of alcohol and the details of the wall he was staring at flooded his brain. They were entirely accurate to what they had been those years ago, but the feeling of adrenaline coursing through his veins was even more vivid. Just as his father pulled his fist back for a punch Jim realised what was going on and tried to force himself to return to the present moment. It felt like he was grasping tightly to the controls of a shuttlecraft as it bounced off the atmosphere upon reentry and jolted him around. The memory fragmented and swirled around nauseatingly in his mind and he shook his head to clear it. He found himself breathing heavily, looking down at his shaking hands with his heart pounding. More worryingly, Bones was looking at him with an expression of wide eyed fear.

“Jim, what the hell was that?” he asked. Jim closed his eyes and swallowed, trying to remember what he had learned after experiencing these attacks for so long. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, laboriously slowing his breaths and focusing on the sensation of his feet in his shoes. Even when he had gotten out of the worst of it, he knew the fear and disconnection from the outside world would stick around for a while.

“Nothing, I’m fine.” Kirk hadn’t told McCoy about his flashbacks, mainly because he had barely told anyone about his past but also because he hated being pitied. McCoy pulled an ‘I don’t believe that for a second’ face, but as he noticed Jim’s respiration rate begin to decrease he held off on a caring rant about telling one’s friends when one needs help. Thankfully, no one but the few cadets on the end of the row near them noticed anything, and as everyone stood and clapped after the conclusion of the admiral’s speech Jim and Bones did too. 

* * *

Spock scanned the room for the blond haired boy he had seen earlier. Nearly all humanoid senses were stronger in Vulcans, and Spock had noticed almost immediately that the boy was staring at him. He had ignored it; the admiral’s speech was far more important, but upon noticing the human turn away Spock had glanced over. Immediately he registered the muscle tension, hyperventilation, and what Amanda used to call the ‘thousand mile stare’ when Spock would get it as a child. His mind had sorted through the logical conclusions which could be drawn from such a collection of symptoms, before determining that the human was experiencing a flashback, which was a re-experiencing of a traumatic event. Although Spock knew intimately what that entailed, it brought him comfort to state the definition objectively in his mind. He still couldn’t find the boy, who he wished to locate to make sure he was of sound condition after what had happened.  _ Ah _ , he thought, when he spotted the blond hair over the rest of the crowd. He was standing alone, and the person Spock assumed was his friend was a ways away stuck in a seemingly dull conversation with one of the officials.

Weaving his way down the stairs and through the people, Spock rebutted the thought that the reason he cared to do this was that he found the human physically attractive. Of course it was only out of compassion for all living beings, and he was uniquely situated to help in this situation. Not that Spock could deny that the cadet’s facial features were well proportioned, and his eyes were an aesthetically pleasing shade of blue. 

At last he reached the human, who swayed unsteadily on his feet and whose eyes focused slightly behind Spock. Spock raised his hand in the ta’al. 

“Greetings, human. I am Spock.” He said, flatly, but he hoped not too sharply.

The human’s head snapped up, and he blinked hard while registering Spock’s presence. He returned the ta’al swiftly and said “I’m Jim, Jim Kirk. Nice to meet you, Spock.” He smiled shakily. Spock raised an eyebrow in concern, trying to decide whether to bring up the reason he had come over directly or to continue to observe the cadet,  _ Kirk _ , he corrected, discreetly. He settled on the latter, as he had been told by many humans he was too abrupt.

“May I ask what led you to Starfleet?” Spock asked, after lowering his arm and joining his hands behind his back. He thought this was a fairly innocuous question, and one that would give him more information. It was immediately obvious that this assumption was wrong. Kirk’s face dropped, and his eyes lowered to the floor. 

Rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet, Kirk replied “You know what, Spock, I think I’m going to, uhm, take a walk for a bit. Uh, nice to meet you though. Wait, what is it? Oh yeah: live long and prosper.” Kirk waved weakly and turned to dash out of the auditorium. Spock watched him go, dismayed. He took a moment to think, and considered his options. 

He elected to follow the human. Spock hoped he would be able to help, as he knew very well how distressing a flashback could be.

Once he reached the doorway, his eyes darted between either side of the corridor before catching a glimpse of a boot disappearing around the right corner. Glad that Vulcans possessed increased speed relative to humans, he hurried through Starfleet headquarters in search of Kirk. The sound of panicked breathing made him stop in his tracks, and he looked down to find the cadet sitting on the floor with his head in his hands. Spock crouched beside him, his mind whirring in an attempt to formulate the right words to say. Nothing came up.

“Kirk?” he asked cautiously. No response. He asked again, more urgently this time. Kirk looked up in Spock’s direction but stared right through him. 

“Cadet Kirk, may I assure you that you are currently living in the year 2355, and that you are in Starfleet headquarters with me after Admiral May’s speech.” Spock began hesitantly, but his voice grew stronger as he went along. “I believe it would help your current condition if you were to breathe deeply and at a regular pace; if you need guidance I am willing to demonstrate.”

To Spock’s surprise, Kirk laughed sharply, and said “I know how to breathe, thanks.” Spock figured it was a joke, the detection of which he had become more proficient in due to increased proximity to humans. Kirk did however start to breathe slower, and relief washed over Spock. He did not even berate himself for the emotion because he was so glad. 

“I assure you that any danger which threatened you in the past is now long averted, and should any arise in the present moment I shall protect you from it.” He spoke with great sincerity, and was slightly surprised at the implications of his words. “Is there anything I can do to be of comfort to you now?”

Kirk looked Spock square in the eyes then, and his own were filled with gratitude. Hesitantly he said, “No, that’s alright. Just… stay with me, please. I don’t like being alone when I get like this.” 

Spock nodded. “I understand.” he said; and he did. He sat down beside Kirk and leaned against the wall. “Kirk, would it help if I told you that I experience flashbacks also?”

“Really?” Kirk looked surprised. “I thought trauma was too much of an emotional response for Vulcans. And call me Jim, please.”

“Logic cannot overcome that which imprints itself deeply upon the mind and body, although I wish it could, Jim.” Spock blushed ever so slightly at the last word. Jim believed him instantly; he could read Spock very well from the way his eyes lowered and he leaned forwards a degree. 

“God knows I wish so, too.” Jim replied. The intimacy of their conversation was almost too much for Spock to bear, but somehow Kirk made him feel very safe.

“The emotions of Vulcans run very deep. When I experience a flashback, I feel exactly as I did many years ago. The terror aches in my bones, and at that moment logic is only a distant thought which cannot be reached.” They sat in silence, while the weight of their shared experience hung in the air around them. The connection came easily, and Spock was surprised that he felt this way with a human. 

“How do you get out of it, then?” Jim asked, finally.

“Much the same way you do, I assume. It is first necessary to recognise the temporal disconnection between where I seem to be and where I am, and then to attempt to return. There are many ways to do this, I usually recite aloud the current stardate and my location, and move around physically so as to dispel the excess neurotransmitters. What do you do?”

“When the attacks happen I can see all around me what was there when I was younger, and I can hear and feel it too. It helps me to come down if I focus on what is here right now, like the feeling of my hands touching my legs or what I can see out of the window. I also try to breathe slowly so my heart stops racing.” Jim said.

“That is very sensible. I am glad you have found ways to cope with this.” Jim seemed surprised that Spock had spoken with that much feeling, for a Vulcan at least. 

“I believe it would be wise for us to return to the auditorium presently, Jim.” Spock said.

“Yep, good point.” Jim said as he swung himself up to his feet. He almost offered Spock a hand before he remembered Vulcans have touch telepathy, and thought that Spock would probably have a heart attack if he did. He looked flustered enough already, and Jim knew exactly why. It was very rare for a Vulcan to be so open, especially with a human. He would have to look out for this kind-hearted and handsome cadet, Jim thought, and smiled as they walked back through the corridor.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Please do leave a comment if you did; they are always appreciated.


End file.
